The Frozen Chosen
A few years ago on our yearly Back-to-School Shopping Trip to Anchorage my wife and I began talking about churches and some of the humorous things that they do. Over the next couple of days we formed the Frozen Chosen Fellowship Cathedral in our minds and began to give names to some of its members. Please understand, this is NOT a reflection on any individual or on any church. This was simply a way for two parents to survive school shopping with a 15 year old girl! Enjoy, and remember, it isn't sinful to laugh!!!
The Frozen Chosen Fellowship Cathedral is excited, pleased, and honored to invite you and your family to worship with us this coming Sunday. Our worship starts at 11:00am sharp and ends at 12:00pm dull.
You will notice that we have recently removed the last couple rows of pews, replacing that with La-Z-Boy recliners for our most faithful sleepers. We have also installed a brand new spilt-rail fence, right now the middle of the sanctuary. This fence comes with some very comfortable seating for those that have a difficult time deciding on which side of the fence they belong.
Those of you visiting with us for the first time will want to pay special attention to the name plates on the end of each pew. These name plates indicate that one of our more prominent families have bought the sitting rights to that pew. So, please don't be offended when they ask you to move. After all, they did pay for it! For your convenience we have reserved several visitor pews that are located at the very front of the sanctuary.
Our church treasurer, Miser Lee Spendthrift, wanted to make sure that you are aware that we have recently installed credit card swipes on all of our offering plates, as well as several giving kiosks for your giving convenience. We also have free parking for our staff and those members of our Gold Tithing Club. Paid parking is available a couple of blocks away and don't worry if it's raining, we have several umbrellas that we would gladly let you borrow for a small donation.
This coming Sunday is going to be especially special. We will be celebrating the Diamond anniversary of Sister Beulah Land as our music leader. I know that you will really be blessed as Sister Beulah and her Tone-Deaf-Choir sings that most wonderful, time-honored hymn, "Oh, Say Can You See That Speck in Your Eye". And it is always our privilege to have special music brought by Lis' and Tommy Singh, every blessed Sunday without fail. But please don't clap, we don't want to risk appearing to be Charismatic!
Our Associate Pastor, I.C. Heart will bring the message this Sunday, entitled, "Your Sin is Bigger Than Mine". Our Chairman of Deacons, Mr. Will Notmove and His lovely wife, Mrs. Gossy Peabiddy, will begin a new study this Sunday evening called, "The Way We Were and Why We Should Stay That Way".
Our flower committee chairwoman, Ms. Looka I. Did, has asked me, several times, to remind you to notice the beautiful job that she has done on the plastic flower arrangements. Thank you, Sister Looka.
We also want to invite you to stay after church this Sunday for our first ever, "Clean-out-the-church-pantry" Fellowship meal. Some of the food has been in there at least a couple of years and it's about time we clean it out. As our visitors, we will insist that you go first!
I'm the Right Reverend Luke Warmword, and remember, here at the Frozen Chosen Fellowship Cathedral, we put the "low" in fellowship.
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